Never Been Married

Every time I hear the Bruce Springsteen refrain, “ …don’t make no difference what nobody says, ain’t nobody like to be alone, we –e –e -ell …” I think, so true, Bruce, so true …

But sometimes I wonder if getting married is a goal worth aiming for.

I’ve watched so many newsmagazine shows—48 Hours, Dateline—I’m positive not being married has saved my life.

When people are sympathetic about my being single and assure me there’s still time to get married I think, do you not watch 20/20 on WE?

People who are married get pushed off the sides of mountains, ambushed by gunmen in dark parking lots, shot in the face on the way to the gym.

Being married is dangerous and significantly increases your odds of an untimely, painful death.

Plus it makes you boring.

Admit it, married people—you lost some edge, some mystery, when you walked down that aisle. And married people de facto give up on their brilliant dreams.

When well-meaning married people pity me I think to myself, keep your sympathy, you idiot. Then mentally slap my wrist for thinking mean thoughts and add, but thank you for your kindness, I love and appreciate you, I do!

Now that I’ve got about 2 million of these newsmagazine shows about “regular” people who kill their spouses under my viewing belt, I’m convinced I could be a consultant to murderers.

The worst thing you can do is change your story.

No matter how crazy your answers are in that interrogation room, remember them and stick with them, and if men in suits come knocking at your door, here’s a really helpful hint, don’t answer.

Not getting married also means you’ll never have to deal with a cheating husband.

The only appropriate response to a husband who’s cheated is to tell him he and his “mistress” deserve each other (preferably on national television) and leave.

He’s not going to change and you’ll never forget how gross he is, so why carry on with the charade?

Men who cheat are idiots, their wives who stay are morons and the “other” women are no better. Here’s my message to “other” women—the guy is using you. He isn’t willing to leave his wife for you. He certainly isn’t going to hold your hand in public. You’re going out with a guy who’ll only see you if he can hide while doing it. Embarrassing …

What do the “other” women tell their friends? “This guy I’m seeing is so great. He’d die if you or anyone else knew he were with me, but he’s such a good guy.”

And when will the scorned wives stop blaming the “other” women? Newsflash, scorned wives, the “other” women haven’t vowed to love, honor, obey and be faithful to you until you’re dead. That was someone else. He’s responsible for having cheated on you, not the “other” woman.

Cheated-on wives like to say the “other” woman shouldn’t sleep with a married guy out of respect for his wife.

That logic is so flawed.

A woman shouldn’t screw a married man out of respect for herself, because she deserves better.

And married women should think enough of the men they married to give them credit for being accountable when they cheat. Blaming the other woman is like saying you can’t expect your husband to behave better than a 2-year-old.

When will scorned wives of politicians get this? Are these women so afraid of being alone they’d rather put up with an ass than leave?

Something else I’ve never wanted to do is have a child.

Most women who feel this way know better than to admit it, because the perception of a woman who isn’t maternal is that she must be morally defective.

Don’t get me wrong—I don’t dislike children. I just don’t want to give birth to or raise one.

Now there are all these Web sites for moms: CafeMom, Naturalmoms, Mom Logic ...

There's a "mom" logic? Aren't these people women raising children? Does this mean that women not raising children use a different kind of logic? How did "moms" get their own logic?

What do you think of the state of education today?

I'm not a mom, screw the kids and their education!

Some brilliant CNN host had a reporter on her show talking about children suffering in an earthquake. She teared up and said to the reporter, “I’m a mom, so this is very hard for me.”

I guess moms have cornered the market on compassion and the rest of us couldn’t care less about kids’ suffering because we never popped one out.

How about, “I’m a human, so this is very hard for me.”? That would require a couple of brain cells forming an original thought – too much to ask a “news” show host.

And it's not just the culture of moms—yarg—it's the term itself that creeps me out.

I never call my own mother "mom." It's "mother," "ma," or "drama queen" - those are the only acceptable options.