When you live in New Jersey and visit another state, the difference is immediately noticeable.
The first thing that hits you is that strangers say hello to each other. People who live elsewhere find it necessary to be kind and greet each other when they're out and about.
Not so for New Jerseyans. We like our motto—mind your own business.
In fact, we love this motto. We don't want to have to make eye contact, much less deal with each other in any way. We're too absorbed in the fascinating drama in our own heads to acknowledge others.
It's different though, when you're hiking in a park. The rules get smudged. You're in a relaxed, happy atmosphere. The weather is usually warm. People feel like they should be nice.
You cross someone's path and you don't know what to do. Look at them? What if they're listening to their iPod? Smile? Then you've broken their focus. Say hello? Who are you to intrude on the inner struggles they're wrestling with on the trail?
A question that comes up for me a lot is, how close do you need to be before you decide whether or not to look at someone coming toward you? Some people have a strategy. When I'm five feet away I'll look and say hi, get it over and done with, the other person will be off the hook, they'll have no choice but to follow my lead. Some people have no strategy and start glancing at you from far away. You notice. They notice you noticed. You get trapped in the darting eye dance. At what point do you go ahead and verbally acknowledge this person? Because once you get ensnared in the darting eye dance, you've made a blood brother pact to say hello.
I usually hike in loops of threes. Up the same hill three times. Around the same circle three times. I don't know what it is about the circle, but people always look at me and smile. I hate this. I'm coming back around, I want to tell them. I'm going to see you again ...soon. The next time will be awkward. Do we smile again? Ignore each other? Let's not create a situation, let's just look away as we pass each other.
Some people tell you with their body language not to say hello. They have their earbuds in, the look on their face says, I'm working something important out - don't bother me. So, you take a cue from them and plan not to say hi to anyone. Then the next person comes by and as you very thoughtfully ignore them, they bark a hello at you, as if to point out how rude you are for not acknowledging that they exist.
So, what's the right thing? Say hello and risk annoying someone, or ignore people and risk being accused of being rude?
Each situation really needs to be decided on a case-by-case basis. But you're in the park for your own reasons. How much energy are you supposed to expend thinking about other people and what they want from you? You don't exist to please others. You're here to de-stress, not get more stressed.
Maybe this is how we got our motto. It's self protective. We're not pissed off all the time, we're trying to do the right thing and we don't know what it is, which is frustrating. We're frustrated people. To some, this makes us churlish. I find us charming. Complex. Our attempts to be good to each other, no matter how clumsy, endearing.
I wouldn't live in any other state.
I think the "don't make eye contact and say hello" norm extends way beyond NJ - it's most of the Northeast and also most major cities.
ReplyDeleteI always say "hi", "good morning", etc..., to strangers and more often than not I get nothing in return. I think it's just nice to be cordial.
I think people would be a lot less stressed if friendly interaction with strangers was a very normal thing.
Nice post and writing style.
Hi Anonymous - thanks for your post and kind words!
ReplyDeleteFYI, the state motto is Liberty and Prosperity, and the helmet on the state flag represents New Jerseyans representing themselves.
ReplyDeleteAnyhoo, I've lived in this state most of my life and NJ drivers are the worst, inconsiderate to the max, which I think is a reflection of their attitude in general to other people, which is screw you.
I say hi to anyone who makes eye contact with me, and they usually respond in kind. If I take the initiative and say hello and they don't respond then I say something to let them know how rude they are.
Reminds me of an episode of Frasier where he gets so upset about how rude people have become that he actually throws someone out of the seat for which he was next in line and was stolen right before his eyes.
Funny- had a long discussion with a friend about this issue the other day. When I go out to run before work, early in the morning (sometimes in the dark when it's winter), I pass people and say good morning to everyone, no exceptions. Return rate is suprisingly low I think, less than 50%. Makes me sad some days, and I always get a little charge when someone answers back or makes eye contact or smiles. I guess I get it if it's a woman who remans mute: strange guy, sometimes wrapped up in a hoodie, sometimes in the grey shadows of the waning moonlight, intitiating contact. But I am surprised at the number of uptight guys who can't manage to even grunt or fart in my general direction. Are they afraid I am gay because I say hello? Actually gay guys seem to have about a 100% return rate. As do the street sweepers. And there seems to be a fairly precise inverse relation of the amount of spandex other runners wear to their likelihood to answer back.
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