We Are Our Brother's (And Sister's!) Keeper

I was scared all week anticipating the results of my endometrial biopsy.

If I wasn't worrying about it or researching it, I felt I wasn't doing everything I could to somehow metaphysically affect the diagnosis. On some level I thought if I didn't worry about it incessantly, the universe would decide I didn't care either way and let me have it. I would have earned the bad news.

So, my job was to worry, until I decided that was crazy, then I'd go back to worrying. I'd go from panic to surrender back to panic and then more surrendering.

I thought about how I'd manage every step in the process in a worst-case scenario and felt I had a workable plan in place. Then I worried that I'd jynxed myself into a bad outcome because I was planning for it.

Every strategy I chose was lose-lose.

The day before my appointment the nurse called to confirm. I asked if the results were there - they were. I asked if she knew. She said it didn't matter if she knew or not, she couldn't tell me. The doctor had to go over it with me.

I reasoned to myself there was no point worrying now. The results were already typed up sitting in an office. I was off the hook, for the moment.

I went to work on results day and was in worse shape than I thought I'd be in. I could barely register a reaction to anything anyone said.

Nothing mattered.

I got to the doctor's office and sat in the room and waited and waited and waited. I looked out the window at a leafy green tree saturated with sunlight.

It might as well have been a picture.

The doctor came in and opened the folder with my results.

The lining of my uterus is perfectly fine - no disease.

Just like that.

A reprieve.

I glanced out the window at the sunlit tree and it was real. I was free. I was a kid heading to recess on a sunny day. Only recess could last as long as I wanted. All afternoon if I felt like it.

And I did.

How did I get away with it?

I was so sure I'd get bad news because that's been my experience in so many other scenarios …no, I don't love you, we're downsizing and letting you go, you're just not the right fit …I guess I'd forgotten good news was an option.

I checked my blog and saw that so many people had logged in to find out what happened.

Supporting each other means everything.