Too Cold Too Soon

The change in the weather has me confused in many ways.

I don't know what shoes to wear. I don’t know what to eat. I don't know whether I want tea or more coffee after my first Starbucks.

I don’t know what to do.

Should I stay in or go outside?

It's all very confusing.

And I'm angry too.

I don't know what I'm angry about. I'm just pissed off that this is happening to me. This sudden cold. Without time to prepare for my winter self.

I feel burned out at work, and guilty for having the luxury of feeling burned out at work when so many people would kill for such a problem.

I don't know what to feel. Maybe that's why I'm cranky.

I'm trying very hard not to be externally cranky. I'm keeping the crankiness on the inside, but I'd really like to go off on someone. But no one's done anything to deserve my wrath. Plus I don't have the energy or will to go off on anyone. Not even the idiot who cut me off in traffic this morning.

Waste of energy.

Why is there suddenly more traffic in September? School? How does school account for all of it? It's not all school buses. It seems like people going to work - at schools?

Maybe I'm cranky because I'm anticipating another winter full of snow dumps and icy roads. Slush makes my red, beating heart freeze into a stone and slip down to my shoes. My cold shoes with slush in them.

No matter how much you layer, there will always be some portion of skin exposed to the slush.

Maybe it's the glare of the snow entering my home on winter mornings or the gun-metal cast to the sky. So sad and creepy. You can't keep it out. No matter how tight you close your blinds. It seeps in and freezes you to death.

I don't understand people who like winter.

Your nose runs in winter. Your skin gets chapped.

Maybe I'll get skis this year and go cross country skiing somewhere. Get my endorphins up.

Plan for making the cold weather bearable - fun even.

Maybe if I had a fireplace …I could get one of those fake fireplaces they sell on QVC.

Sometimes getting cheesy stuff is the best thing.

It's not even Halloween yet and I'm already bracing for the deep freeze. October is too damn cold.

I should be in the moment. I know …

How do all those self-help people get away with giving the same message over and over again and we all listen as though we've never heard it before?

You can't actually live in the moment all the time. We'd never plan. We wouldn't have evolved. We'd be like the ant in that story who …or is it a squirrel? Who plays all summer and doesn't stockpile food and then mooches off the other ant/squirrel who had the common sense to plan ahead.

Maybe I'll become a motivational speaker with a new message. Forget the moment, think about tomorrow. Your future self will be grateful and so will the in-the-moment people you can help with your stockpile of food.

I'm mad because I'm not wearing my cute flip-flops.

I'm mad because the cold caught me off guard.

I want to crawl back into bed but I hate the idea of getting back into bed.

I don't know how to be myself.

It's hard to breathe in the cold because when you take a deep breath, your lungs fill with too-cold air. Your body is constantly shivering and tense trying to get warm.

It's a nightmare to go to the bathroom because you don't want your skin to touch the frozen seat.

The smallest things make me consider having a tantrum. Like having to wear stockings under my pants. Until I get tired of being angry and just deal with it.

There is one thing that never fails to make me laugh in the winter. Catching a glimpse of myself just before hopping into bed.

My windows are so drafty, going to bed is equivalent to camping out, so I layer on the pajamas and top them off with a hoodie that I close tight around my face.

I've tried wearing gloves and a hat, but that made me too toasty. Maybe I'll keep them close by for the morning when it's torture getting out of bed that by then is just the right temperature.

I know - I should get my windows fixed. But then I'd have to acknowledge that winter is coming and I'd rather stick my head in the sand than do that …the warm, pink, summery sand …