The Draw of Schadenfreude

At the end of last season's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills I swore off the franchise. 

Up to then I'd liked it because it showed so clearly how not hearing each other and making assumptions about others' intentions leads to drama.

The characters are filmed in their scenes, then, after the fact, they're all interviewed separately and asked about what went on.

Here we can see why they behaved the way they did. 

But during filming, no one knows why people do what they do and instead of assuming the best, or at the very least, nothing, they typically assume the worst.

Then it always seems like the thing to do to "clear the air" which never goes well and often leads to all-out brawls because everyone's reminded of what had pissed them off in the first place. 

Lots of people roll their eyes at the show, but they're missing out on a fascinating look at what causes pain and suffering. 

You can see that some of these women had married their husbands not out of love and mutual respect, but fear of lack of security. Then karma shows up and they lose all their money - and there goes the security. It's like God saying, if a feeling of security is what you want, you need to look to yourself for it. You can't become secure through someone else. 

There are a few of these marriages crumbling on these shows and you can see how unhappy both spouses are. The wife who has to constantly behave a certain way to live up to her end of the tacit bargain - I'll be who you want me to be as long as you keep me safe from being broke. And the husband who never quite feels like he can keep the wife playing the role too much longer and is always on the lookout for signs of impending "bad" behavior. And then of course, because it was based on all the wrong things, lack of faith in oneself chief among them, and because you can only live a lie for so long, the marriage ends. 

The other major cause of pain in the franchise is "shunning."

The Amish do it as a punishment against transgressing members. Catholics excommunicate "sinners." 

The real housewives have their own version of shunning, and it would seem to be to their credit that this is usually the last weapon they reach for. But, this is not done out of kindness toward the person about to be shunned. This is because shunning can get complicated. If you choose to shun, others will then have to shun you, because when you shun, you're on your own. Others won't shun by association out of fear of being shunned in return.

This revelation came to me as I walked my crisp, clean laundry from the dryer to the bedroom with a preview for NY on in the background.

Ramona got upset because Heather didn't ask her to join a trip to London, to which all the other cast-mates had been invited.

In an "after-the-fact" interview, Heather was shocked to learn Ramona was upset over it because Ramona had told Heather early on at an event at her home in the Hamptons that she interrupted people, and Heather didn't just let it go because she'd been cut off by Ramona 99 times by then and then they just didn't get along. 

"Yeah!" I say to myself as I fold my underwear. Why would Ramona think she'd be invited? I'm team Heather before I even knew I'd decided I was back into the whole housewives thing.

Why would Ramona even want to go, I think to myself. She's in a fight with Heather and LuAnn. Who wants to be around people you're in a fight with? But she is hurt she has not been invited. Because even if you fight and don't get along in general, you want it all to be OK. To be treated with kindness. To be included no matter what. You want the other person to think what you said that hurt them was really no big deal - you didn't mean it in a bad way! Because what follows from not being invited once? You're not considered someone to be invited to the next thing and so on until you don't belong anymore.

In this way, this show is a petri dish for a lot that goes on socially for all of us. It's how bullying works at schools. Bullies are making a statement to their peers that their tormentees should be shunned. Of course, this is a terrifying state of affairs for the person being bullied, because school is all about fitting in with your peers and apparently, life never ceases to be some version of high school.    

This franchise is emotionally exhausting. And, by the end of last season's Beverly Hills, the bickering sank to an embarrassing level. Intentions became straight-up mean, and I don't want to watch that.

Which is why I abandoned it for Anthony Bourdain's "No Reservations" on Travel Channel. 

This show did just fine as a replacement until Bourdain ate fois gras at some hot dog place in Chicago and called the proprietor one of the "good guys" for flouting the legislation passed that banned the sale of the diseased goose and duck liver.

Animals in the wild don't naturally have livers that are fattened to a diseased state. To reach this effect, people shove a metal tube down the throats of ducks and geese and pour grain into it. The ducks and geese can swallow or choke. It is a rotten, unbearable thing to do and should be stopped. 

Now I have no respect for Bourdain, so back to Bravo I go.

NY is just starting up, and one of the new characters, Aviva, likes to repeat something her husband Reid says that would seem to be a great way to keep the peace, "say what you mean, but don't say it mean." 

This season just might be different with three new people on the show, I think.

Cut to Aviva letting two cast-mates know they're, "both white trash."

Guess the earlier platitude didn't hold up to the heat of an altercation.

But it makes sense because no one gets through life unscathed. We're meant to have our souls healed and what's to heal if there is no suffering?