Remember Who You Are

I didn't think it was possible. I thought I was over the drama. But I sit here today in a state of shock over what happened on last night's finale episode of The Housewives of Orange County .

It was filmed at a party at Heather Dubrow's slammin' (don't-you-want-to-adopt-me?) house-building.  

There was so much yelling and childish drama going on, mainly around a hilarious guest in a red sparkly dress breaking off a piece of the pink bow on the cake and eating it before the confection was officially served, that because it was said in a quiet, calm voice, the most slap-you-in-the-face offensive moment of the evening came and went without anyone reacting at all.

Jim, who'd arrived at the party unannounced, told his wife Alexis that he'd come so that he could have a word with Terry, the hostess' husband, about having called Alexis a "phony" a few episodes back.

Alexis suggests this party isn't the most appropriate venue for such a dialogue to which Jim responds, "who wears the pants?"

That she did not troll the guests for a divorce attorney and file papers on the spot was shock enough. Worse - she obeyed his command and stopped talking.

I, sitting alone in front of the TV, looked to my left, then looked to my right, as if to gauge whether the rest of the culture heard what I'd heard. 

What century do we live in?

Are people really that terrified of being alone that they'd put up with someone controlling them? Literally controlling them?

Does Alexis not know that women can vote now? 

After having been single for a while I started dating again when I was 39. Those 9 years mess with my head. 

I met so many passive aggressive, middle-aged mamma's boys that I began to wonder if my expectations were too high. Is a guy pushing 50 who didn't reason like a 5-year-old too much? 

A big question for me was when to work things out and when to kick the guy to the curb.

I think I was putting up with all kinds of idiocy because I was doubting myself. I hadn't made a relationship work yet and was 39 at the time. I didn't want to appear to be someone who couldn't compromise. So much so that my judgement of what's OK and what's not OK got skewed. Instead of making myself happy, my priority, albeit unconscious, was to prove to myself and the rest of the world that I could partner with someone successfully.

Thankfully, I turned 40 and got over it. 

It's a far better thing to be single and excited about where my life is going than stuck with someone who makes me miserable all day every day.

Carolyn Myss said something in an interview with Oprah that reminded me of this truth.

Oprah asked, how do you know you're on the right path?

CM: You don't feel like you have to compromise who you are. You don't betray your integrity. You know because you don't feel like this is costing me my power, my soul. I don't feel confused on some deep level. I'm not drained where I feel like I'm losing myself.

You feel like you're losing yourself when you're betraying yourself in some way.

Compromise is done willingly. In a compromise you don't go away feeling like I've put poison in my mouth.

Every choice we make either fulfills us or drains us. If it fulfills us we're on the right path. If it drains us it is not the right path.

If you have to compromise yourself, then it's not worth it to stay.

She also said when something falls apart in your life, it means you were pursuing something that doesn't belong to you and no matter what you do, it will not work. It's like trying to plug a lamp's cord into a wall with no electricity.

But someone who does belong with you will find you.

What's the bottom line in all of this?

Do your best every day and then let go of the results. You will have all that is yours.

What does it mean for Alexis and for all of us? 

We need to remember who we are so that no one can tell us otherwise.